If no one is waiting, it’s always us (waiting).

Waiting - sowhatnext.com

I’m a very impatient person. I don’t like waiting for things. If I want something, I want it to happen NOW. Not eventually, not next month, not tomorrow, not in 5 minutes. NOW!

Besides, why wait? You never know where you may be two minutes from now, so reach out and grab what you want. It’s there for the taking, and that is something I learnt from a very young age. I remember being a kid, at school. A very shy, scared kid. Had no opinions, had no strength. But I had lots of “wants”. I remember looking at other kids in my school, thinking “I wish I were like this person”, or “I wish I had what this person has”. It took a rejection of love for me to snap out of it. “You’re not dynamic enough”. And just as simply as that, I lost something I was feeling proud of and happy to have in my life.

Yet, that was the key. That was the moment that changed me forever. “Why not be who I want to be?” “Why not have what I want to have?”. Ever since that day, I have been working towards being the person I want to be, having what I want to have (be it internal or external), and not waiting for any of it. Successfully, I might add.

I have associated waiting with being afraid.  What other reason is there to wait for something instead of going for it? You’re afraid it may not be a good idea. You’re afraid of failure. You’re afraid you may regret wanting it. You’re afraid of yet another rejection. So, stop being afraid, stop waiting, and reach out for everything you wish to be holding in your arms.

This worked miracles for me. I’m 38 years old and I have experienced more things than  it makes sense to have squeezed into this span of time. I have achieved goals and realized dreams that not only did I never expect to achieve, but some of them I never even knew I had. So the words “never wait” have been carved deep inside my personal bible. I live by this principle and it hardly ever lets me down.

I’m 38 years old, and I have already found an exception to this.

Love.

Mother. Fucking. Love.

This ungodly torment with the name of an angel. The ruler of all emotions that summons any mood swing, any internalization, any comprehension (or lack thereof) of the world that surrounds us.

Love takes over on every possible level and what we are talking about now is no exception.

Because, you see, when you are in love… Boy, you will wait. You will wait and wait and wait. You will wait for her. You will wait for a call from her that may never even come. You will wait for a response to the message you sent her, even if you feel you don’t deserve one. You will wait for her to propose a night out. You will wait for her at the restaurant no matter how late she is. You will wait for the bus in the freezing cold for hours, because she is not well and hasn’t even asked you to be there for her, but you know she wants it. You will wait until the very last minute for her to tell you if she is able to take a holiday with you or not, because at the end of the day, if you can’t travel with her, you might as well not travel at all. You will wait and not watch your favorite show until she has an evening free, even though the previous episode ended on a cliffhanger and you had been counting the minutes until it would come out. You will wait for months and months until she feels comfortable with you, with your friends, with your parents, and you will give her all the space she needs, even though you are dying to introduce her -the real her, the one you know- to everyone. You will wait for the right moment to say what you truly feel about her, because it’s fucking important and you want this to be perfect.  You will wait for her. And she will be worth it.

Problem is, it’s love we’re talking about. It messes up our sense of time and you have to be careful. Some things you should not wait for. You need to do them right now, you need to say them right now. And suddenly, the fear is back. You are afraid of losing what you have, so you stop trusting your instinct and you are doing your very best to do your very best. You must have perfect judgement, you must when/what/why. And you may end up waiting too long. 

And then it will be too late.

Because as you were waiting for the right time, and the right mindset, she was waiting for even just a hint. She was waiting and waiting and waiting. And something did not feel right for her. You could see it. And exactly because you could see it, if didn’t feel right for you. This wasn’t the right time. So you kept on waiting. And she waited, and you waited, and she waited, and you waited… You both waited. You both waited for the same thing, but you hadn’t even realized.

And one day… she stopped waiting. She couldn’t wait any longer. She felt she was the only one waiting. Why? Because you hadn’t told her you were waiting, you idiot! How could you tell her anyway? If you told her you were waiting, you would also have to tell her what you were waiting for, but it wasn’t the right time to tell her, so you just said nothing, you showed nothing. But she couldn’t have known that. All she knew was that she was waiting.

And one day… she stopped waiting. She started feeling “if no one is waiting, it’s always me.” She’s not waiting anymore. She said no. She feels frozen inside. She’s not waiting anymore. She feels like she was playing games and she doesn’t want to play games anymore.

And one day… she started walking away. She couldn’t wait any longer. Sure, there was a bitter taste in her mouth. But that taste was better than the coldness. It’s like a boundary thing. 

And you… Well, you can go back to your old ways of not waiting for anything or anyone. The world is once again here for the taking. All thanks to a person that was once close to you and her brutal honesty. Ignore the fact that this is because you have no one to wait for any more.  It doesn’t matter. What matters is, you have no one to wait for. All thanks to you and your fear.

Shit happens.

But you just wait… it’ll happen again. All of it.

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